Sunday, January 25, 2004
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU--WITH PRIDE--THE FACE THAT THE KITTY MAKES WHEN SHE'S BEEN BATHING HER HINEY:
i saw the return of the king again yesterday, and this is a weird post
and i found myself making comparisons between the ring and anorexia. in case you're an idiot, considered yourself warned about how dorky and inane this post will be. feel free to scroll to the end for the yummies.
it started out with me thinking that it was weird that middle earth doesn't really have a religion, but they use decidedly religious language (e.g. the word "blessed"), do things that resemble praying, and then talk about things in terms of fate ("this task was appointed of you"...by who?). i can't decide if that's ideal--because i know that tolkien didn't like allegory--or a cop-out...why shouldn't he make up a religion? anyone who's read his stuff knows that there are gods. i'd like to hear about the different religions, but then again it's interesting to see religion moved from the equation in war. it's nice to see people who are considered good or evil because of what they do, not what they call themselves.
anyway, i was particularly fixated on galadriel telling frodo (in the first movie) that "this task was appointed of you." at first it was like "by who?????," but then i started thinking about it as a way of stopping him from thinking "why me?" what's the point, really? crappy things happen to everyone everyday, and of course they don't necessarily bring it on themselves. or maybe god did it for a reason...so why me with anorexia? getting more self-indulgent...
i found myself relating to frodo. he inherited the ring, and i sort of inherited the depression and self-loathing and things like that that set the stage. it snuck into his life rather quickly (or at least it seemed to be that way at the moment the doodie hit the fan). and most importantly: the ring was absolutely seductive, and it speaks to him.
you can look like a model...you'll never be pretty, but people will notice you because of your incredible self-control...look! you look just like grace on will & grace!....look! that dress is a size 2...you could eat right now or not eat--why eat?...people will be so jealous of you...go girl...go girl...go girl...l
you can't feel it taking over you, but it affects you physically and emotionally. i loved the beginning, where they show smeagol's transformation into gollum. i was giggling to myself going, hey, the ring makes you look inhumanly skinny too! it makes friends seem like enemies because they're trying to pull you out of it. attempts to pull you out of the world that you've been sucked into are a threat.
recovery is a journey. i had to leave the comforts of my cozy home and bed with my husband in order to rid myself of this evil disease. i rued my "journey" at the beginning, wished i had never gotten it, wished i could go home, for a while. and then i just gave up and resigned myself to my time in treatment.
it is physically and emotionally tiring. the closer you are to a breakthrough, the harder the voices fight you. my dietician told me that it's common for people to have strong urges to purge--even if they were pure restricters--when they leave treatment. my body dysmorphic symptoms went away in my first 48 hours at renfrew, but returned stronger than ever when i left. i feel like a fat cow, even though i'm at a weight that i would have considered quite skinny a few years ago. my stomach looks so round and mushy...
no, of course the fate of the world is not tied to my recovery, but i have people all over the country who are pulling for me. and it could have been a life or death situation. i was at 71% of my ideal body weight, and a bmi of 15, when i entered treatment.
friends were at least as important as my nutritionist (like frodo, i came resent the person who handled my food), therapists, and doctor. i feel did find a sisterhood in renfrew. different people, different ages, different forms of the same desire to destroy ourselves...we all needed each other and carried each other even as we were wasting away.
finally: my world is a completely different place since i returned from renfrew. i don't even keep in touch with the people from the 'frew. i think about them all the time, but kristin is the only one i really talk to. (she was the first one who talked to me when i was there. i saw myself in her eyes, and i think she saw the same when she looked at me...or maybe she just saw in me the dying, shocked, broken girl that she was on her first day there). i kind of feel like they've moved on. after a joyous reunion with my husband, craig thompson, and jeffrey brown at spx, i returned home to my (formerly) normal life. and i still feel like i am in a dream version of my old life. i am not the same person, nor have i healed. the pain is not physical, like some of frodo's was...but it is located in my chest.
i guess now what i have to do is switch my focus from frodo's journey to sam's.
so there you have it: my crazy, nerdy, ridiculously self-indulgent thoughts on the lord of the rings.
in conclusion: is it wrong if i spent a decent percentage of the time thinking about how hot merry and pippin are?
Saturday, January 24, 2004
i just went onto www.ratemyteacher.com and rated myself. i gave myself a perfect score and said that i'm weird but i obviously love music. i also said that if you have a problem with me, it's probably because all you do is fool around anyway. i misspelled a couple things to make it look authentic.
i don't care!
last night i chaperoned activity night. it's so cute. there's this long line of kids waiting to get in, and when they're let in, it's chaos. kids running, kids getting candy/soda/iv's for sugar injections. it's so cute. i'd say there were about 150-200 kids there last night. maybe more. out of 690 in the school. a darn good turnout.
anyway, when i taught at a catholic school, chaperoning was 3 hours of boring, unpaid hell. this kicked butt. i just hung out and talked to kids. they had some high school kids dj'ing, and i threw the funk down with another music teacher. we got down and got FUNKY. i started doing the running man. and then we went to judge the middle school version of "american idol." i was randy, of course. what up, dawg? i felt you. you did your thang.
good times. lemme think...what else....
ah yes. here's another story: curves (exercise place) called me because my membership is up february 10. when i called back, i told them that i wasn't going to renew. i don't remember if they asked why, or if i was just trying to make a preemptive strike against any attempts to change my mind, but i said that i had an eating disorder, and that i'll be laying off of the exercise altogether. so the woman took down my information, and i thought that i wasn't going to hear a word about it. but then she goes "well you HAVE to do something, you have to get exercise." so i said "yes, but i'm waiting until i'm at a healthy weight to do that." then she asks me what kind of treatment i'm getting: "well, are you seeing a doctor..." so i just interrupted her and said "i was hospitalized." that pretty much shut her up.
i've been told that i should have told her it was none of her business, but i'd much rather get the last word, especially if it made her feel (justifiably) stupid.
i think that's about it.
coming soon to the realm of the ferg: i'm working on getting a good picture of the face my cat makes after licking her butt. you HAVE to see this. i have one picture, but it's kind of taken from the side. you have to see it head-on. so stay tuned.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
i watch the wb news every morning while i'm eating breakfast. i started watching it by accident. it became a habit because they used to do this cute thing with aerobics/dance demonstrations. they'd go from camera to camera (dancers, people at the desk, woman on the street, traffic woman in the helicopter), and the different people would bop along to the music. it made me giggle so!
they stopped doing that, but then they replaced it with something nearly as good: "plus." at the bottom of every hour, they do a quick preview of what's to come:
(1) john muller with a serious/tragic story
(2) man/woman on the street with a less serious/tragic story
(3) linda church with weather
(4) larry hoff live at some hooter's bar or parachuting or something
(5) emily frances with entertainment gossip
(6) john muller with PLUS
here are some examples of what has been plus.
guess my dress"
the marijuana cellphone"
so that has made it worth watching. until recently. no more fun dancing, and there hasn't been a good "plus" in weeks. maybe months.
here's what there HAS been:
churchie's ugly sweater with the strips of leather on it
the way john muller totally, totally interrupts people when he's interviewing them. will they EVER figure out how much time to allot for an interview/demo? it's so rude!!!
larry hoff--a total, total jerk, who spends more and more of his "larry hoff live" time with scantily clad women. anyway, the more time i spend with him, and the more times they accidentally don't cut when he's done, the more convinced i am of this.
lynne white. oh my. where to begin?
she mispronounces things, she can't read for doodie, she always has her hair in her eyes and ants in her pants, she sits like she's trying to get some relief from her 'roids, and she doesn't put away the food that she's eating before they cut to her.
here's an actual example of how lynne white reads:
(brightly) no way out!
(hesistantly)for...a...family of three...who were...trapped in a house fire.
i might as well finish what i started.
i don't really have a problem with emily frances.
at this point, the thing that is keeping me coming back is marysol castro.
"i get paid to do traffic, and that's what i'm gonna do"
craig treadway (man on the street / fill in) and
sukanya krishnan (woman on the street / fill in / kick butt lady):
I LOVE YOU.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
where’d my cat go?
we fixed her favorite blanket for her. she sits on it and takes a bath (minus the cute buttlicking face, alas). then she moves off of the blanket—away from me—and gets into her little freshly-baked-bread position. finally, and without my noticing, she disappears. why won’t she hang out on the blanket? is it because i’m next to it? c’mon!
i was surprised today to find myself enjoying vanilla ice cream. it was between two yummy chocolate things in a stop ‘n shop brand ice cream sandwich, but i was definitely enjoying the ice cream itself. i used to have major beef with vanilla ice cream….what gives? also, vanilla ice cream stands for all that is boring and conventional.
am i reading too much into this?
i hate jewel’s vibrato. it sounds like this:
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
sorta like a machine gun, but less intense and no actual change in frequency.
why do so many of the people in rich-people-car commercials live in houses that are straight out of lost highway? i don’t get it.
do you want to know what i hate about the boy george musical, taboo? in the commercials, they pronounce it “t’BOO.” t’boo, HISSSSSSS. i call it crapola. here’s an actual quote (taken from the commercial):
dress to kill
kill to dress
more is more and less is less.
i couldn’t make up those lyrics.
i can’t really make up lyrics unless they’re about poo. or butts. or farting.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
THE PARTY'S OVER
back to work tomorrow. WANNNNNNNH! i've been staying up too late and sleeping too late, and very little time has been spent NOT wearing pajamas.
i like watching cooking shows on sundays. i want this lady to move in with me and be my personal chef. she makes meat look edible. almost. today, she was rolling ice cream in pistachios and chocolate. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
my cat is crazy. and now you're thinking i'm crazy, because that's a dog over there on the left. well, that's my best friend, bobo. isn't he a handsome fellow? hello, bobo. how are you this fine day? it's very nice to make your acquaintance!
anyway. first of all, she acts randomly afraid of us. it's almost like she wants us to chase her. also, she has a "post-butt-licking" face. you have to see this. someday, i'll get a picture of it, and i promise i'll post it on here. after she licks her butt, she lifts up her face with the look. mouth open, tongue sticking out, looking disgusted. i don't get it. i have to get a picture of this. and finally, she stares at the ceiling and then runs away. frequently. she crazy.
anyway, as a reward for reading this poopoo, here's a picture of the crazy lady. oh yeah, i nearly forgot. she LOOOOOOOVES the kitchen sink:
Saturday, January 03, 2004
THIS IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN MY FAMILY GETS TOGETHER
board games. a dog under the table. a dog on the table.
'puter versus poo-ter
is it wrong to do other things in the bathroom? i mean, reading is an acceptable way to pass the time while you're growing a tail, but what about other things? suppose a girl was working on her laptop when the urge struck, and she decided to kill too birds with one stone. would that be wrong?
a couple christmas' ago, my mom asked my brother to grind up some garlic for dip. apparently, he had just grabbed the mortar and pestle when the urge hit him, and he decided that there was nothing wrong with pooping and cooking.
makes posting on an eating disorder message board while pooing seem pretty okay, doesn't it?
Friday, January 02, 2004
shop 'til you drop
i'm back from colorado. well, i was back just a half hour before the new year, but i was basically sick all day yesterday. achy, sore throat, fatigued, icky. i think it may be the transderm scop patches. darn you, dry cabin air!!!!!!! i also think i could have been fighting off some germs from the ride. darn you, air travellers who don't cover your mouth when you cough!!!
anyway. i had dropped two pounds as of christmas eve, but i saw the dietician again today, and i'm back up 1.5 pounds. i'm not one bit surprised. i popped cookies like they were blueberries. darn you, yummy home cooking!!!
today, we hit loehmanns first. it's red star clearance time (40% off of all clearance items, and 20% off of non-clearance stuff). HEAVEN! but i didn't buy anything.
that's right. you read (and re-read and re-re-read....) that correctly. i had three things picked out. two were shirts that i liked, but i wasn't dying for them. and then there was a dress that i love, but i'm not sure i have anywhere to wear it. and it was dry-clean only. that's not usually the deal-breaker, but i'm in a "do i really need this?" mindset due to my husband's involuntary "vacation."
next, we braved the mall that ate long island. rampage had THE BEST SALE EVER. buy one, get two free. so i bought one, and i got two free. two work things, and one fun thing. we had a terrible time at macy's and h&m, trying to make exchanges without receipts (because we're so afraid of hurting people's feelings...but really why should i? since when is ANYONE who's 5'6" an extra small?).
and we put our new funky, space-age-fun-foam thing on the bed. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I'M BACK, SUCKAHS
i will post by the end o' the day. don't cry--i promise. the people demand it.